Letting Love In
Yesterday I was given a filing box from my mom that was mine during my junior high years. I found some school assignments, some pictures, some mementos, but most interesting was some journal entries. I found some writings that reminded me of how I felt back during that time. Junior High was a time of transition for much of my family. My oldest sister became a mother, my brother was married, two of my sisters moved out of the house and my parents were divorced. I lived with my father who remarried about a year or so later, bringing two young boys and step mom into my life. Thats a lot of newfor a 13-year-old.
Among these memories I found a note that read, “FRIENDS, thats a seven letter word I never understood”, and I go on to explain how I’ve never had a friend and how maybe some people have been nice to me but they are just being nice, they don’t really want to be my friend. This is such crap. I have had some really amazing people in my life. Through out my life people have tried to be my friends, a lot of really great people who I pushed away. I’ve never been comfortable with social situations and have never truly believed that I was someone who people would want to be around. Clearly I have some self esteem issues here. It is sad that I have always had this view of my life, because as I look back my life is sprinkled with short term relationships with some great friends. I would sabotage these friendships as they got stronger. I have known for a while that it is my doing the lack of friends I have had at times. It is my agoraphobia, social anxiety, and low self esteem that led to my being “too busy” to hang out. I wouldn’t socialize so these friends would eventually give up on me…who can blame them? I could have had so much more fun in my life if I just let myself. The friends were there, the opportunities were there. People liked me and wanted to spend time with me and that made me nervous so I recoiled.
Yesterday I read part of The Shack by Wm. Paul Young that hits close to this behavior I have repeated throughout my life. I am not giving anything away and you don’t need to read the book to understand the next part, but do not read on if you want every sentence and idea in the book to be new to you if you’re planning on reading it. I am paraphrasing slightly but this is all from the book…God says that as birds are born to fly, we are born to be loved, so to live as if you were unloved would be a limitation. WOW – its me now, – that is what I have done my whole life! God says a bit later, that if the bird chooses not to fly he will continue to be a bird but his experience of life will be altered significantly. So true so true! This really hit me in the heart. I have wasted so much time and energy in my life not letting people – great people – love me. I have spent a lot of time choosing to be miserable when there was so much love out there for me. This makes me sad for my past, but so happy I got hit with this message so early in my life.
Lot of great stuff in this book, and I am only half way through.
very profound….Ive done the same thing all my life too
cardcraft
September 30, 2009