Waking up to life with Katherine Hughes

Effective Communication with Teens

katherinehughes — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 02:38:14 +0000

As part of my on-going training with my church we are provided articles from the Virtus Program (https://www.virtusonline.org/virtus/index.cfm). This is a good arcticle on communication with teens. I hope you find its tips as helpful as I have.

Effective Communication with Teens

By Paul Ashton, Psy.D., D.Min.

Only the truth gains the victory, but the victory of truth is love. —Saint Augustine Sermon 385,1

With blogging, texting, social networking, and any other number of technological jargon words that seem to have entered our lexicon overnight, the vast ocean that separates good communication between teenagers and caring adults seems to have become even more of a challenge to navigate. Not only do adults have the difficult job of providing a safe, secure, and loving environment, but they must teach values, respect and God’s love all at the same time.

Society seems at odds with most things we want to accomplish with the young people in our families. Clothing styles and fashion trends, ads, commercials, television programs, movies, novels, and even some animated cartoons reek of sexuality, violence and the quest for the accumulation of material goods. All the while our Faith tells us not to seek praise in the eyes of the world, rather to seek truth in your heart and live this truth through the service of love to one another.

Caring adults often find themselves in a position where it may be tempting to act as a friend to their children which would more easily open up doors for trust and open communication. The role is a challenging one and caring adults should offer opportunities where children and teens can safely explore the world knowing what consequences lie ahead for broken rules, curfews, and lack of transparency about whom they spend time with, who their friends are and who the parents of their friends are. All the while parents must insert their own important family rules, values, and regulations with a clear message that they will love their child no matter what happens, and the most important thing to do is to confide in their parents or another caring adult when they have questions, problems, concerns or doubts.

Frequent, short, “sound-bite” conversations which explain appropriate values can be added to any movie, newspaper, computer, or media discussion that takes place. Try not to allow an opportunity to pass by when you do not overlay appropriate values on a story that is shared about a school incident or one that is highlighted in the media. Using these teachable moments add up to a lifetime of thorough faith and value centered education that doesn’t appear to be insurmountable. Saving everything for one or two talks is not advisable. The communication needs to be honest, on-going, and consistent. It can include humor or any other number of techniques as long as truth and love form the foundation of what you are trying to convey to your teens. As Catholics, we base our values on the Ten Commandments found in Exodus 20, the Beatitudes in Matthew 5, the messages of God’s Love in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), the Precepts of the Church, and the traditions of our Faith revealed to us throughout history that lead us to the truth of God’s love.

Each day holds opportunities to talk to teens about the importance of respect for their God-given bodies and how all life is held in highest regard. Building up a teen’s self esteem and a sense of great purpose, dignity, and uniqueness comes with honest, open communication. Feedback about their behavior is crucial in forming responsible young adults. Here are some helpful hints when communicating with your teen:

Be honest in telling them what he or she did well.
Praise only those efforts and behaviors you sincerely believe were well executed.
Offer gentle, but firm and respectful constructive ways to improve other efforts and behavior.
Help correct ineffective behavior by offering alternative behaviors.
Offer two positive suggestions for every suggestion for improvement.
Begin and end feedback with a positive statement.
Be specific about what was actually said or done.
Be specific about why the action or behavior was or would be effective.
Be clear about what could have been said or done instead, if constructive criticism is offered.
Listen to your teens with full attention, not just with your ears, but with all of your senses—employ direct eye contact.
Don’t say something was well done when you don’t believe it was.
Don’t guess at motives or assume anything. Ask direct questions and explore all opportunities to allow them to talk about how they think and feel.
Don’t focus exclusively on ineffective behaviors or only on positive behaviors.
Ask for specific examples.
View each opportunity as a learning experience for all involved.
Don’t reject feedback when you disagree… model receiving feedback in a non-defensive manner.
Be curious about differing views, yet be clear and firm about your own values, views, and family rules.
Ask for clarification.
Paraphrase the content of the teen’s message to check if you are hearing what they intend to say.
Provide words for feelings and the affective part of what the teen struggles to articulate, for example “It can make some people really angry to talk about how they dress. I am wondering how you feel?”
Periodically assess understanding of the message you are trying to convey.
Ask the teen about how they can apply this message to their own stories and life experiences.
Ask open-ended questions. Use what, when, where, why, and how to begin questions and not will, do, does, would, and have. The first group invites elaboration; the second elicits limited yes or no responses.
Normalize the feelings of your teen and reassuring them by saying, “Many kids feel like you do…”
Balance statements which offer opportunity for openness. Say things like, “Some teens feel scared and frustrated about this while others feel excited and energized by this.”

It is important to set goals that are able to help the teen change behavior when necessary, as well as to plan for his or her future. Help your teen succeed by making sure that goals are manageable, realistic, specific and measurable, flexible, and successively more challenging.¹

1 Interviewing, Counseling Skills and Strategies for Behavior Change, Patricia Faulkner, Jamie Stang, Susan Reynolds, pp. 147-151.

Have a Healthy New Year!

katherinehughes — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 14:13:05 +0000

I read an article in the USA Weekend Magazine that comes in the Daily Herald of the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago this morning and wanted to share.

I know Dr. Oz is popular, and I think he even has a show now, but this article is my first experience with him and I found this article to be brief, to the point and DOABLE!

16 Healthy Tips for Feeling Better in 2010 by Dr. Oz

There are more than a few of these tips that I am ready to incorporate into my daily life in order to be and feel more healthy.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Our deepest fear

katherinehughes — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:16:47 +0000

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

This has really gotten me thinking, because I have thought those thoughts about myself…”who am I to….?”

Living from the Heart

katherinehughes — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 19:31:30 +0000

I tend to over think things…I’ll pause here to let those who know me well finish laughing. I have feelings but I tend to trust my brain more than my heart when it comes to making decisions. I guess I am not proud of some decisions that I have made that were made from emotions. So I stopped listening to and following my heart. But what I have learned is that all my fears come from my mind. I am not advocating turning your brain off and only listening to your heart, but I do think that your heart knows you better than your brain. Your brain knows a lot of stuff that can distract you and confuse you, but your heart knows you.

“The heart lives in the far more bloody and magnificent realities of living and dying and loving and hating. That’s why those who live from their minds are detached from life. Things don’t seem to touch them very much; they puzzle at the way others are so affected by life, and they conclude others are emotional and unstable. Meanwhile, those who live from the heart find those who live from the mind…unavailable.” (Waking the Dead John Eldredge, page 42)

I have lived my life as one giant pendulum from heart to mind. I have been unavailable, I have made that choice to not love, to not feel, to not be vulnerable… And conversely have been so open that I have surprised people with details of my past (nothing you all don’t know now, if you’ve read my blog). I have learned from being open and living from the heart that I am much more alive in that place, but the fears that live in my head cause me to try to protect myself, and I can swing back to the unavailable person again – this is a person so sheltered she is afraid to live.

”Our deepest thoughts are held in our hearts” (Waking the Dead John Eldredge,page 45)

“…the heart is the dwelling place of our true beliefs.” (Waking the Dead John Eldredge,page 46)

“Loving requires a heart alive and awake and free.” (Waking the Dead John Eldredge,page 48)

“you must look with all your heart…you must remain present to your heart…you must listen with you heart…love with all your heart. You cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.” (page 49)

I have felt the fullest and the most alive in the moments that I have let my heart speak. Those are the moments that I like and love the person that I am – the person God meant me to be.

”without your heart you cannot have life” (Waking the Dead John Eldredge,page 52)

DUH! Right?

Where have I been?

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Out of the Darkness

katherinehughes — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:19:13 +0000

Dear Friend,

I will be joining with thousands of people nationwide this fall to walk in AFSP’s Chicago Walk 2009 Out of the Darkness Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is at the forefront of research, education and prevention initiatives designed to reduce loss of life from suicide. With more than 33,000 lives lost each year in the U.S. and over one million worldwide, the importance of AFSP’s mission has never been greater, nor our work more urgent.

I hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and all donations are 100% tax deductible.

If you are interested in supporting me please click here to donate. Many thanks for your contribution!

365 days…a new record!

katherinehughes — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:41:20 +0000

Besides breathing, blinking, thinking and maybe walking I can not think of anything I have done this many days in a row. My son was born 1 year ago today. So for 365 days in a row …

I have woken up before noon – before 7am even!

I have laughed more than cried.

I have looked to my future rather than regret my past.

I have experienced overwhelming joy not sorrow.

I have seen and acknowledged Gods handiwork.

I have put others needs before mine.

I have loved to tears, laughed to tears, and worried to tears.

I have been proud of myself.

For 365 days I have been a proud mother to a amazing baby boy, and I have never felt more honored to hold a position in my life. My husband picked out a birthday card for my son and on the front it quotes Babe Ruth – “don’t ever let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game” If I were challenged to give my son one piece of advice on his first birthday – or any birthday- that would be it! I think if you let fear be a motivator and not an excuse you’ll figure everything else out just fine.

I have also probably stepped on a toy, got baby food on my shirt, spoken in tongues and been in bed by 8pm! And been glad to do so.

THE most important person on earth is a mother. She can not claim to honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral - a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body.

“The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creatures. God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation…

“What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this: to be a mother?”

- Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

Effects of Worry and Stress

katherinehughes — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:58:04 +0000

We all probably could learn how to manage our stress better. For some, like me, we worry and stress about trivial things, and others about bigger things, like mortgages, jobs, family security. In reading this article about the effects of stress on your body, I learned that your body treats all stess the same. Follow the link that follows this exerpt to learn more about stress and see tips on how to manage stress better and learn to relax.

Effects of chronic stress

The body doesn’t distinguish between physical and psychological threats. When you’re stressed over a busy schedule, an argument with a friend, a traffic jam, or a mountain of bills, your body reacts just as strongly as if you were facing a life-or-death situation. If you have a lot of responsibilities and worries, your emergency stress response may be “on” most of the time. The more your body’s stress system is activated, the easier it is to trip and the harder it is to shut off.

Long-term exposure to stress can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body. It can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, contribute to infertility, and speed up the aging process. Long-term stress can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.

Many health problems are caused or exacerbated by stress, including:

Pain of any kind
Heart disease
Digestive problems
Sleep problems

Depression
Obesity
Autoimmune diseases
Skin conditions, such as eczema

http://helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm

Letting Love In

katherinehughes — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 15:31:39 +0000

Yesterday I was given a filing box from my mom that was mine during my junior high years. I found some school assignments, some pictures, some mementos, but most interesting was some journal entries. I found some writings that reminded me of how I felt back during that time. Junior High was a time of transition for much of my family. My oldest sister became a mother, my brother was married, two of my sisters moved out of the house and my parents were divorced. I lived with my father who remarried about a year or so later, bringing two young boys and step mom into my life. Thats a lot of newfor a 13-year-old.

Among these memories I found a note that read, “FRIENDS, thats a seven letter word I never understood”, and I go on to explain how I’ve never had a friend and how maybe some people have been nice to me but they are just being nice, they don’t really want to be my friend. This is such crap. I have had some really amazing people in my life. Through out my life people have tried to be my friends, a lot of really great people who I pushed away. I’ve never been comfortable with social situations and have never truly believed that I was someone who people would want to be around. Clearly I have some self esteem issues here. It is sad that I have always had this view of my life, because as I look back my life is sprinkled with short term relationships with some great friends. I would sabotage these friendships as they got stronger. I have known for a while that it is my doing the lack of friends I have had at times. It is my agoraphobia, social anxiety, and low self esteem that led to my being “too busy” to hang out. I wouldn’t socialize so these friends would eventually give up on me…who can blame them? I could have had so much more fun in my life if I just let myself. The friends were there, the opportunities were there. People liked me and wanted to spend time with me and that made me nervous so I recoiled.

Yesterday I read part of The Shack by Wm. Paul Young that hits close to this behavior I have repeated throughout my life. I am not giving anything away and you don’t need to read the book to understand the next part, but do not read on if you want every sentence and idea in the book to be new to you if you’re planning on reading it. I am paraphrasing slightly but this is all from the book…God says that as birds are born to fly, we are born to be loved, so to live as if you were unloved would be a limitation. WOW – its me now, – that is what I have done my whole life! God says a bit later, that if the bird chooses not to fly he will continue to be a bird but his experience of life will be altered significantly. So true so true! This really hit me in the heart. I have wasted so much time and energy in my life not letting people – great people – love me. I have spent a lot of time choosing to be miserable when there was so much love out there for me. This makes me sad for my past, but so happy I got hit with this message so early in my life.

Lot of great stuff in this book, and I am only half way through.

I am my own handicap.

katherinehughes — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:28:20 +0000

I watch these shows about people overcoming great obstacles to fight for their lives and be great. People dealing with disabilities or disadvantages. I sit and watch in awe that despite their struggle they are strong and great and they do fight. I have no disadvantages, no disabilities. I am so impressed with people who “do the work”.

My blog is admittedly completely inspired by last nights two hour premier of Greys Anatomy, so if you haven’t watched yet, continue reading at your own risk.

There are people dealing with and overcoming great obstacles and choosing to live and fight back. A patient faced with a long journey of physical therapy in order to learn to walk again is told, “you have to do the work”. Why is that any different from you or I who may have no disabilities or disadvantages. Now, sure we all have struggles and obstacles. But can you imagine having to learn to walk again right smack in the middle of your life? I can not. I feel like I am disrespecting those that have true disabilities and disadvantages every time I feel sorry for myself or feel for a second that I’ve got it rough. I feel that, as the red head in the episode says, “I do not know how to live”, and I am realizing more and more that Izzie’s response is very true; “no one does”. Yes some people have some things figured out more than others, but who is to say they are doing it right. They probably struggle with things that others have figured out. We were not given a manual or rules to this life. We are all trying to figure out what it means and how to do it. Just because someone might not struggle with some of the things that I do does not mean that they have it all figured out.

The only handicap that I have is that I do not believe in myself. So, I too have to do the work.

What’s wrong with me?

katherinehughes — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:01:04 +0000

I am having a bad bunch of days here. The kind of days that are just full of negativity and self-doubt. These days leave me with no confidence and wondering what is wrong with me. This is not the first time in my life that I have a short period of extreme motivation to get better followed by a huge backslide. So what is wrong with me? When and why did it start? Let’s ask the experts…

What is agoraphobia?

“A phobia is generally defined as the unrelenting fear of a situation, activity, or thing that causes one to want to avoid it. The definition of agoraphobia is a fear of being outside or otherwise being in a situation from which one either cannot escape or from which escaping would be difficult or humiliating.

http://www.medicinenet.com/agoraphobia/article.htm

What causes agoraphobia?

”There are a number of theories about what can cause agoraphobia. One hypothesis is that agoraphobia develops in response to repeated exposure to anxiety-provoking events. Mental-health theory that focuses on how individuals react to internal emotional conflicts (psychoanalytic theory) describes agoraphobia as the result of a feeling of emptiness that comes from an unresolved Oedipal conflict, which is a struggle between the feelings the person has toward the opposite-sex parent and a sense of competition with the same-sex parent. Although agoraphobia, like other mental disorders, is caused by a number of factors, it also tends to run in families and for some people, may have a clear genetic factor contributing to its development.”

http://www.medicinenet.com/agoraphobia/article.htm

What Are the Effects of Phobias?

“If left untreated, a phobia may worsen to the point at which the person’s life is seriously affected, both by the phobia itself and/or by attempts to avoid or conceal it. In fact, some people have had problems with friends and family, failed in school, and/or lost jobs while struggling to cope with a severe phobia. There may be periods of spontaneous improvement, but a phobia does not usually go away unless the person receives treatments designed specifically to help phobia sufferers. Alcoholics can be up to 10 times more likely to suffer from a phobia than those who are not alcoholics, and phobic individuals can be twice as likely to be addicted to alcohol than those who have never been phobic.”

http://www.medicinenet.com/phobias_picture_slideshow/article.htm